How do I feel right now? Besides being a little run down with some flu-like symptoms, I am feeling quite…undeserving. I guess that’s the right word. I have all these desires inside me…things to do in my life that sometimes I feel are too good for me. I have visions in my head and heart that revolve around family and friends. Ones that I have already, and ones that are still yet in my future. And sometimes, I feel undeserving of those visions.
I want to live my life fully, and with great joy and passion. I want a small homestead. There will be an expansive field filled with wildflowers and herbs. I large pasture used by some cattle and sheep, but mostly horses. I want the yard filled with children. Not all my own, but family and friends children all running and laughing and picking flowers and fruit together. I want to have an open house, one where friends come at will and hang out to play cards, or cook, or ride horses, or whatever else they may feel like doing. I want to find a good man who knows the value of a human heart, and would always help someone in need. I want to find a man who is connected to his Wild Soul, and respects that Wild Soul within me as well.
I feel like I don’t deserve those things sometimes. Like I am not, and never will be, ready to receive those blessings for which I ask. And I fear that I will always be searching, and always finding things lacking, or myself lacking. Writing about these fears of mine are a way to bring them to light, and to work through them. I am determined that I will find what I search for. I have a feeling all I have to do is sit back, be still, and receive.