solitude

I am lonely right now, alone and lonely…I never have really liked being alone.  It was fine when I worked on the farm last year.  I knew what I was getting into.  I was prepared for silent nights and solitary days.  I busied myself with brewing and cooking and canning and music playing.  But, I am alone in a place where I am not sure I feel ok with it.  It is cold and dark and too silent in here.  The silence left by loved ones when they take a part of you with them.  Tim has gone back to Ann Arbor for the summer, and part of me has gone with him.  That part of myself that is comfort, and love, and satisfaction.  The part left behind to work is that systematic and calculating part of myself that gets done what needs to be done.  Now I am on to a 9-5 job, where I am surrounded by machines- technology.  My eyes ache all day from staring at a computer.  Would it be better were I in a more fitting home?  One with a fireplace, one that wasn’t full of coldness that seeps through my skin and wraps me with an icy blanket?  Would it be better were it not snowing outside (in May)?  Perhaps.  But still, I ache for the one that left.  I miss those arms, the scent of his skin full of masculinity and desire and safety; that feeling you get when wrapped up safe while a storm whips through the world outside while you watch through windowpanes painted with no particular color but water .  But I will grow in this time with myself.  It is a nourishing time.  It is a time to go deeper into myself.  A time to replenish all that is good within me.  And the reunion will be that much sweeter.

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About aletalane

I am a learner.
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