I feel…raw. I feel…small. I feel…insignificant. My words appear to be meaningless mumbles. The morning is here, but a fog blocks my sight.
I have come to realize how brutally tough it is to be a human in this world. I feel that it is too hard at times to progress any further in your soul’s journey. It’s the common case of ‘two steps forward, five steps back’ and it is already SO HARD to get those two precious steps forward. I feel as though every time I make a breakthrough and allow love to lead my thoughts rather then fear, something happens to bring it all crashing down. I am a small boat; a one-sail sunfish afloat in a sea far too large. And when the winds are calm, joyfully I sail onward. When a storm starts to rise up, I tighten up the sail and keep bravely going. Sometimes I can make it through intact. Sometimes the winds keep growing and blowing me around until before I realize what’s happening, I’m overturned, helplessly flung about in the waves. It always calms down, and the sun always comes shining down once more. But, it seems like those storms happen too often for positive progress. When the storm calms, and I return to an upright position, sometimes it’s hard to tell where I am.
I know in my heart that everyone experiences this. For what would life be were we not to experience the all of it? The good, the bad, the up, the down, the left and the right of it. And I know that it is up to me, and me only, to accept and change if necessary where and who I am. It seems too great a challenge at times. It’s too easy to give in to those ego-driven thoughts laden with false charms. It’s too easy to fall asleep and stay there not struggling with anything. But I know there would be no growth, no reward with that. I just feel so…useless to myself sometimes.
It’s very hard to open oneself up to scrutiny and close observation. I keep this blog to hold myself accountable to, well, myself. I can look back at what I’ve written and see my own struggles and know that I come out alive and well each time I go through the deep, dark valleys.
Life is no gold-laden pathway. It is filled with danger around every corner. But, there is help along the journey. It is always available, always willing. All you have to do is reach out and accept it.