on dark dreams and restless nights: A poem and an essay

Sliding down the cold metallic feel of hard truths and false wonderings,

I wait for the moment to pass

until I can feel calm and at ease once more.

Politely I ask dark thoughts to be on their way,

but they overstay their welcome,

gorging on my anxieties and

refilling their cups to the brim with my good intentions

turned lemon sour.

I feel the hard twist inside as those thoughts

meander their way, all too slowly,

through the depths of my body.

Releasing the floodgates of unsure realities

and fear-based decisions

Until the Wild Woman in me screams, “ENOUGH!”

“You have had your fill, your time is up.

Leave these fertile lands,

do not tread upon these fields sown with fresh seed.”

Grumbling, they obey, filtering out of my mind.

They leave trails, like old tracks that cut deep in a land once

Abused for its precious resources.

The scars fill again with moss and grass and wildflowers,

showing only promises and memories at their retreat.

The wind of the night time, that sweet breath of stillness which holds such promise, leaves me slowly as I toss and turn about inside my mind, body echoing its movement.  Those petals of the renewing flower of sleep drop from my mind like the last leaves of fall, withered as they twirl through the air to rest upon the ground.  While I never fear the nighttime and what it may bring, I sometimes feel a certain amount of apprehension.  Wondering what my night dreams might bring, wondering if I’ll wake up too early and not be able to fall back asleep.  Restless are my dreams; they always have been.  Only twice have I awoke during the night, panting and crying at what visions my mind held, although it is not unusual for me to toss and turn, and wake with the bitter taste of fright in my mouth in the morning.  Reality creeps in slowly, and I am left to search for the cryptic messages those dreams have left.

The most common theme to my dreams is the feeling of being hunted down by someone, or several people.  And no matter how hard I try, I cannot get away.  No matter how fast I run, those following me are never far behind.  No matter where I hide, I am always found, and the chase begins anew.

While these are certainly not divinely inspirational dreams and never leave me well-rested, they are not to be brushed aside as insignificant.  Our dreams are gateways into the deepest reaches of our sub-conscious and what is really going on in there, and if you are fortunate enough to be able to remember at least a part of the previous night’s dream, it would do you well to meditate on it.  I used to think that those dreams of mine were just my misfortune.  I always wished that I could have pleasant dreams.  Dreams where, when I was going through depression or anxiety-laden days, I was visited by angels who would tell  me that everything was going to be ok and that they were watching me through the day.  Instead, I would have predatory dreams.  I have come to understand that those dreams are gifts of insight from my psyche.  Whenever I have a string of dreams like that- maybe not every night, but often enough in a period of time that I should be mindful of their presence in my life- I take them to mean that I am being too hard on myself internally and sub-consciously.  That dark side of my ego, the part that comes prowling through the forest of my mind and tells me that I am not good enough and all sorts of other lies, needs to be reined in and checked hard, and I need to bring myself back into the presence of my all-loving Self and become aware of what I am experiencing in the sub-regions of my being.

While it is never pleasant to experience dreams like these, I no longer allow them to dampen my days.  Instead, I allow them to tell me what I am not aware enough when awake to realize- that I am unbalanced internally and need to pull all the threads of my being back in from their wandering to be checked for loose ends and frays.  When my dreams become more settled, I know that all is well and balanced again.

About aletalane

I am a learner.
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