Making a hard decision. Confessions from an anxiety-ridden girl

Gosh what a tumultuous, emotional, and sleep-deprived few weeks I’ve just come through.  I have been letting the decision of whether to sell my gelding work it’s way through my brain until I was nearly broken down completely.  Add to that the fact that there are two weeks left in the semester to finish all my projects and get going on my research, and you have one very emotional girl.

Every time I ‘decided’ to keep or sell my boy, I would come up with some reason why I should have chosen the other way.  I was thinking how great it would be to spend this last year of my Master’s living in an affordable house and paying off some of my loans.  But then I’d think of all I’ve come through with Tanner, and with teary eyes, realize how much he’s allowed me to grow and that I was not ready to part ways.  And then I’d go back down the money path, remembering that my funding is potentially running out in December and I’ll have to find 4 months of funding to get me through the end, and when I graduate and move to Ann Arbor with my boyfriend (who is very supportive of whatever I choose to do in any situation), I don’t know how long it will take me to get a job.  It went back and forth like this for a few months.

Here’s the thing.  I’m scared.  I’ve not been able to work with him consistently for the last 6 years because of college, and I just lack in confidence and assertiveness.  Tanner HAS helped me gain much confidence.  He was a bucker when I first started riding him (he’s not malicious, he just knew as horse know that I could be messed with.  What can I say, I’ve never been an assertive woman).  And he and I grew to the point where I could control myself when he acted up, and that’s when the bonding really started.  I’m proud to say, we have been riding very confidently together for the last 4 or 5 years.

Now, in this last year of school, I will be living on a horse farm.  My dream has a chance to come to fruition.  Horses, in my backyard!! Tanner, in my backyard!! And I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I was scared that my lack of confidence would shine through, and that I wouldn’t be able to really develop that bond with him.  Scared that he too would be anxious in a new place, having never lived off of the farm where he was born, never work in an indoor arena, and perhaps develop scary new habits that I wouldn’t be able to handle.

Yesterday, I made the final decision to work with my fear, accepting it, acknowledging it, and seeing what will come from it.  See what will happen when I have a chance to work with him consistently.  I will not be alone, my friend Bethany will be sharing a lease with me, and I could not even ask for a better situation.  HE’LL BE IN MY BACKYARD!!!

And I can’t wait to see in what ways we’ll all grow.  It could turn out to be a poor decision.  It could be better than my wildest dreams.  I won’t know until it happens.  But damn it, I need to make a decision and stick with it!  Wish me luck and courage everyone 🙂

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About aletalane

I am a learner.
This entry was posted in Horses, Thoughts from the soul and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Making a hard decision. Confessions from an anxiety-ridden girl

  1. Aleta, I am SO excited for you, and I think you should know that everyone who knows you well has more than enough pride and certainty that you can do it to give you a kick start.
    Happy trails to you both!

  2. aletalane says:

    Love you mucho miss Becky. Am awaiting your return, though it is still months away.

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