While I am very much in love with myself and my spirit, I have always struggled with a certain frustration at not being able to experience what it’s like to not be me. I would not trade my life with anyone else’s, I just…want to know what it’s like to, I don’t know, be a tree, or a flower, or have the brain power to understand the most complex math or physics. Or to know what it feels like to be the brave amd courageous hero or heroine who brings goodness back to a desolate land. Or know what it feels like to think the way a man thinks. I feel like I could have a lot more sympathy toward my boyfriend if I truly understood the way he thinks 🙂
This frustration has lead to jealousy. Not jealousy of other people’s possessions, simply jealousy that I can’t inherently understand the way they think. I am just me. And this life is all I know. I don’t know what it feels like to have a calm mind, or to live in a tropical location, or even something simpler such as having dark eyes. I am, quite anxiously, me.
This has also led to neglect in getting down to the roots of who I am. I spend so much time regretting that I can’t relax enough to sleep in til noon that I fail to act upon the meditative advantages that awaking at 6, or 4:30, can bring. I agonize over how un-enlightened a culture we have and do not absorb the joy that comes from meeting one who has true wisdom. My anxious and worried constitution has caused me to cry countless tears, as has my insistence to myself that I have nothing to offer this world except for a sensitive spirit that knows that there is a better way to support our existence on this planet, but doesn’t quite know how or desire to lead the way . I am starting to wonder whether I have not come here to be the revolutionary heroine who brings the light back to a darkened land ( I am far to unorganized and indecisive to ever be an effective leader), but am here simply to be an observer who carries the tiniest mustard seed of knowing that there IS a better way. I may not know how to be the leader who shows the way, and I lack the desire to be the revolutionary fighter, however, I will not harden myself to the destruction we bring to our planet and walk about in blissful ignorance of the poisons we surround ourselves with saying ‘that’s just the way it is’. Perhaps my tears are all I need offer to this good earth to keep alive a seed of hope that one day we will truly awaken and know what it really means to live the glory of a human existence.